…and maintain it!

When it comes to romantic relationships; we all know that it (hopefully!) starts off wonderfully. But I see so many couples who seem so perfect for each other in the beginning, only to end up splitting up because: well, life. And complacency. And boredom. And ‘growing apart’.
Being the personal growth junkie I am, I didn’t want to settle for an ‘ok’ or even ‘good’ marriage. I want exceptional, and fortunately, so does my husband.
A few years after we got married, once the “honeymoon period” had died off, we hit a really tough spot. It took time, patience, learning and for us both to take responsibility for what was going wrong, and how we might fix it.

Now, 18 years in (17 married), we are the strongest we’ve ever been as a couple. But, just like anything worth having, it takes work! Here are my thoughts, ideas and tips…

Plan for the future

My hubs and I are very, very clear on what we want our future to look like. It’s been proven that people who feel they are working towards a compelling future are happier, and if you’re going to share your life with someone, then obviously that vision needs to align.

Where do you want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years? Where will you be living? What do you want to achieve together and as individuals in that time? (financially, careers, health, family, fun & recreation?)

2. Take 100% responsibility

The blame game doesn’t work. Feel like you’re not getting enough attention? Want more intimacy? Wish your partner would do more/less of something? Then communicate! [see more on this below] …and also be willing to compromise.

Take time to regularly check-in with yourself and consider how good a partner you’re being.

3. Inject romance regularly

How can you show your partner that you love them? What will they find romantic, thoughtful and kind? What do they truly appreciate? On an average day it’s the small things that count, but how can you step up and really go above and beyond now and then?

Don’t get complacent: treat them like they’re the most important person in your world (because if they’re not, why are you together?)

Example: my husband has come with me to see Boyzone live, TWICE. Now that is love! If you’re not willing to occasionally do something you won’t enjoy, but your partner will LOVE… then shame on you!

In the beginning of a relationship, you’re willing to go out of your way to please your partner. If you can both keep that up, you’ll be the happier for it.

4. Talk, talk, talk

Good communication is vital. And I don’t just mean about the small stuff, but the bigger stuff, too.

There’s the everyday: work, home life, family, friends, etc to stress you out and nurturing a supportive, open relationship will help you to feel close, even on the tough days.

However, you’re also going to go through times when life is just plain HARD for a while. If your spouse is your best friend, you can get through the storms; or even better: together you’ll be the calm in the centre of it all.

5. Don’t let the kids come between you

Sometimes you’ll have different opinions about how you parent, but I’m not talking about arguments here. I’m talking about putting your relationship first on a regular basis.

I know this can be a tough one! However: how can you be the best parent if you’re not being the best spouse? And surely, you want your kids to witness a romantic, intimate, loving, fun, joyful relationship as they grow up?

Of course, the kids are massively important too. But please, please find a good babysitter and make time for you as a couple at least once a week, if possible.

Also: as my hubs and I have found, before you know it, the kids are ignoring you for their friends, going off to college or moving out. You don’t want to get to that point and realise you’re no longer really a couple; just a pair of people who raised kids together.

6. Remember Ho’oponopono

Even the happiest couples will argue sometimes. And if you’re in a bad state, it’s easy for things to escalate. Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice for forgiveness. You simply say:

I’m sorry, forgive me, thank you, I love you.

It doesn’t matter who’s right, or who’s wrong. No matter how mad I am with my hubs, if he says this and hugs me, I switch pretty fast from an angry state to a much calmer one. Google Ho’oponopono to find out more about this lovely way to get over a disagreement.

7. Regular quality time together

Find some mutual passions/hobbies/dreams. Write a joint bucket list of things to do and places to go. And go on dates. I don’t mean just going out for a meal: I mean, plan something fun to do just the two of you every single week. And FYI: watching TV together is NOT quality time (unless you talk all the way through it?! …and if if yes: don’t you crave any variety?) I wrote another blog about dating your spouse, here >

It should go without saying that you also need physical intimate time together. Without this, it’s easy to slip into ‘friends mode’ and before you know it, you love each other without being in love. This is often when people start to stray; they’re seeking the love, attention and intimacy they’re missing with their spouse. If you’ve got a problem in this area: find a way to spice it up and fix it.

A note for those considering breaking up

Please, please do not read all this and think I’m trying to persuade you to stay with a partner who doesn’t value you, share your hopes/dreams, or that you just don’t love anymore. Life is too short to be anything other than happy with the person you share your life with. If you’re not in love, be brave and get out. However: read my point above about responsibility. Blame and an inability to truly see how you contributed to the breakdown of a relationship won’t help you with your next one.

Romantic relationships take work,
but if you’re with the right person, it’s so, so worth it!

If you want to set some goals, dreams and get really focused on your relationship then please check out my life coaching services; I’d love to help you create a more romantic, loving, intimate relationship with your spouse! ♥

🌿 If you enjoyed this post, come and say hello on Instagram
I share wildlife from my garden, nature walks, travel moments and a little everyday magic.

👉 Follow along: @iamsarahlsmith